Pringles Prints (TM) Potato “Chips”

Pringles new chips, Pringles Prints, have Guiness Book of World Records facts printed on the chips in blue-green ink. Since the chips are the translucent color of skin, the writing looks like the veins on the bottom of my forearms. Yum.

A cylinder of these sodium transporters was sitting on the table when I sat down to lunch yesterday, so I popped the can and began to read. “How long is the world’s longest roller coaster?” I turned the chip upside down for the answer: 8,133 feet. I ate the chip and read the next one: “What is currently the world’s heaviest tank?” Go ahead, guess. I looked at the answer then ate it. I grabbed another chip, wanting to just eat it, but I hesitated before an uaccountable guilt. But my freedom occurred to me, a momentarily forgotten fact (and no trivial one). I said to myself (and the chip), “Nope,” and just ate it without reading it!

For a moment I felt like a vandal. I had callously disregarded a homeless fact. Oh, but the anxiety gave way to a rising sense of euphoria. I grabbed and ate two chips at once without even looking at them. Thrilling liberation!

I highly recommend these chips. It’s the same salty-leather-strips-of-dried-skin flavor, but now you can revel in your blatant disregard for all the irrelevance in the world by gobbling it down one crunchy fact at a time — or two or three or four crunchy facts at once! My friend, go buy a cannister of this stuff and do your part to combat information overload. Eat every single one of those chips and do not — I repeat, DO NOT, on any account, read the damn things.

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